It hurts every day but I’m used to it.

It’s a lonely feeling when someone you love becomes a stranger.

I’ve heard when you break up with a person it takes half the time of the entire relationship to really get over the loss. I think the same applies to the ending of a true friendship as well. Love is love.

I unintentionally ended an entire friendship in the space of 5 minutes. Five stupid, thoughtless minutes. I gave my friend unsolicited advice. Unsolicited advice over a very painful topic.

It’s the only true regret in my life that I would go back in time to change. I wish I had just shut my mouth and listened. Listened and supported my friend even when she made a decision that I wouldn’t have made. Why didn’t I listen?

But I didn’t. I didn’t and I found myself mourning a friendship. A friendship that went from meaning everything to me to a smoking pile of ashes in the space of 5 damn minutes. It’s not like she died, it is like a part of me died. A part of me that is still quiet and dead.

friendAt first I didn’t want to believe that the friendship was over. We were just having a fight. A rough patch. No. It swiftly became obvious to me that I had crossed an unforgivable line and my denial became a crushing pain that would grab me by my windpipe and make it hard to catch my breath. My apologies were acknowledged but I was sloughed off like dead skin. Forgiven but cast out.

The death knoll was the fact that I had to move away. If I had been able to stay near my friend, my unflagging persistence may have worn her down. I would have been relentless. I would not have faltered from my goal. I would have groveled over and over and over. But I had to move.

Friendships can withstand distance and time, they cannot withstand distance and time when they are already smoldering ashes.

friend goneI’m pretty sure she gave a sigh of relief to see the last of me, dusted her hands of her judgmental ex-friend. Meanwhile tears would streak down my face and my entire core would clench for two years after I moved every time I thought of her. I thought about her a lot those first few years. A little less the next few, and so on and so forth until now the hope of resurrecting the friendship is gone and I’m left with bittersweet memories and regret. Painful regret.

Facebook just makes it harder. I think she threw me a pity friendship online in memorandum of what we once were. I can see what she ate for lunch and what she did on the weekend, but it’s like eating cardboard. It’s flat and empty. I want to tell her that I miss her. The old her…the one that used to call me friend.

Truth without love is judgement. Truth given in love can still be taken as judgment.

Just because I don’t talk to you, doesn’t mean I don’t think about you, worry about you, miss you, love you, care for you, wonder how you are doing.