I was drunk the day my mom got out of rehab. Okay, okay… the song title is actually ‘I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison.’ But my mom didn’t go to prison, she went to rehab for her hip replacement. Then three weeks later back to surgery and again rehab for a broken pelvis and an additional hip replacement. Aaaand I wasn’t actually drunk, I had two Apple Ciders.
beautifulThey say life imitates art and my life this summer followed along with David Allen Coe’s song lyrics (at least in spirit) very closely for a while. That might in fact be the greatest country and western song, but it is not, in fact, the greatest song to live out.
This summer had some big burdens but they were followed along with some pretty big blessings. Blessings that were big, previously unthinkable and happening to various people in my family. Blessings I could see with my mind, but I didn’t feel in my heart. I couldn’t understand why my heart and soul weren’t perking up once life started back on track again.
I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t angry. I simply wasn’t joyful. Couldn’t remember the last time I felt joyful. I was in a wasteland of joy. One of my best attributes is that I can find joy and laughter in some of the worst moments. But for a while I couldn’t even find joy in the typical ‘joyful’ moments. I think the best description of my attitude could be summed up with the expression, “Meh.”
I’m here to tell you that “Meh” sucks just as bad as sad in my opinion. I was living the life of a sad country song in Meh town. Population: no one wants to hang out with you because you are such a big downer. I’m a big believer in ‘You fake it until you make it’ so I just plodded along with the best attitude I could muster each day.
This morning I failed at life. I spent hours attempting to get my car registration updated at the DMV only to realize that my tags were not expired and I had another year before I had to be tortured with the entire process. I started snorting and giggling in disbelief. Oh my word I can’t believe how stupid I can be sometimes. The snorting and giggling just kept coming and then I had to tell everyone because this was just so funny.
I’m in the middle of laughing and I realized I had moved out of Meh town. I was BACK. I found joy in an absolutely horrible morning. Joy and laughter and giggles. Because sometimes it’s not just one choice. It’s a lot of little choices to get back on path.
I have always understood why it was the straw that broke the camels back. Why it was always going to be a straw. Why you carry most burdens alone.
I just didn’t know that sometimes the path back to healing sometimes can’t happen all at once. It must be lifted straw by straw. Piece by piece. Until one day you look up and realize you are back in Joyville. Population: Me.