Resolutions not Ranklings.

Right about the time Tootsie Angel-Pants, Jolly Pointy-toes, and Tinker Floppy-Feet have shut down the toy factory, packed up the sleigh and everyone is Ho-Ho-Homeward bound from our Christmas celebrations, we all begin our annual lists for our New Years resolutions.

New Years resolutions are intended as a fresh start. But I’ve been asking around and that’s not what seems to actually be happening. I didn’t realize how hard everyone was on themselves. It’s less of a fresh start and more of a I-Hate-Everything-About-Myself-I’m-Changing-Everything-But-My-Name lists. I’m going to start calling them New Years Ranklings.

Don’t even get me started on the weight loss Ranklings we all have.

Let’s all go get healthy. Let’s do it. I’m with you more than anyone. Let’s punch that weight in the gut and never gain an ounce back. Let’s focus on eating the right foods in the right amounts while we love ourselves enough to exercise. I’m all in.

I just want us all to stop telling ourselves we are ugly and unworthy until we get to that magical number on the scale and make that our #1 Rankling for 2016. Take it off the list and just go do it. That list is for something special, not self loathing.

As you pull out your pretty little journal to write down your resolutions, you might as well cross out the title New Year’s Resolutions and just write, ‘Go F*** Yourself’ right across the top. For those of you that are resolving not to cuss, you can write, ‘How I’m Peeing In My Cheerios This Year.’

Either way, it’s leaving a bitter taste in most peoples mouth. I’m certainly finding the flavor unappetizing.

Guess what? You are amazing. Somebody out there probably thinks you are the Cats Freaking Meow. Maybe quite a few people. Okay, maybe you are little weird and you probably smell worse than you think after the second day after your shower. Maybe that cowlick really does look as bad as you think and your fashion sense could at best be described as quirky or unique. Sure, everyone could use a little more money in their paycheck and it would be amazing not to have all those pesky blinking lights flashing on your car dash.

What you are forgetting is that you have survived your entire life up to this point. You have survived traumas, heartbreak, devastation, the different phases in life. Puberty, traffic, reality tv, and most of us survived the 80s shoulder pad craze with less than 10 documented pictures. AND HERE YOU ARE. You claim the uniqueness that is you. Own it. You are awesome. Don’t change the awesome, just improve it. Resolutions not Ranklings.

On that note…

Reesie’s 2016 New Years Resolution

I do not resolve to lose these last 10 pounds, clean more, get organized, cook meals the family will actually eat, keep the laundry room from smelling like mildew, plan ahead, keep things simple, do more, be better, hang up my clothes, keep my shoes on the shoe rack, edit my closet, wake up early, exercise more, get a check up, be a better parent, be a better wife, floss more, take my make-up off at night, or eat less sugar.

I can’t resolve to do that as I’m already trying as hard as I can on all those things. No sense in wasting a perfectly good opportunity to grow by beating myself up.

ASLThis year, I resolve to constantly have a ‘Did you Know’ or a ‘How To’ book in my hand, bag, satchel, car, nightstand, or gym bag so I can pull it out during my moments of spare time. Non-fiction but something titillating, something nonsensical, something just for kicks and giggles. Something to make my soul belly laugh. Something to annoy my friends with at dinner parties.

My first book for the year is “Dirty Sign Language: Everyday Slang.” I will then learn things like how to cross a piranha-infested river, how to repurpose a fruitcake and how to thwart an affectionate costumed mascot.

Your life is a gift. Love it.

(*Victorian slang for breasts was “Cupid’s Kettledrums.”)

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