About little over a month ago I went on a girls trip to Nashville. Our first morning in Nashville we all meandered to the front of our hotel and stood in line for the shuttle to get downtown. I have no idea who found the shuttle, timed the shuttle or figured out the fee for the shuttle. I just arrived promptly to my designated location and began my chit-chat with my friends while I stood in line. Chitty-chat, chittty, chitty, chat, chat, chat-chitty-chat.
The shuttle arrives. I pay my fee. I find a seat.
We’ve been on the shuttle for about 20 minutes when a big green sign announcing the airport flashes by our window. One of my friends shouts out, “Are we on the shuttle to the airport? We need the shuttle downtown! Is this the shuttle to downtown?!”
The shuttle driver promptly shouts back, “You picked a hella-fine time to start paying attention.”
Tru dat shuttle driver. Tru dat. It’s all about the timing of the details.
inconcievableDetails. Details. Everyone keeps saying that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.
I thought I was paying attention. I thought up was up and down was down. Good was good and bad was bad. Turns out I was wrong.
If you asked me to list what I felt what my most positive attributes were, being self-reliant would be in the top 10 on my list. When I can do things for myself, I choose to do so. When I can’t do something for myself, I am skilled at knowing which resources to use.
I can pay my own way, I can forge my own path, I can thrive when others fall.
ChurchillI pride myself on being self reliant.
My mom once told me that you have to pay attention to the lessons that God is trying to teach you, because the lesson just keeps coming at you like waves in the ocean until you learn what he is trying to teach you. It starts out with soft gentle waves, but can end up a tsunami if you keep ignoring the lesson.
Don’t worry, God. I’ve got this one. I’m good. I can handle my problems. I can find the solutions. I can find the knowledge in some really great books. I can talk it out with my mom and my friends. My husband and I can tackle any problem.
And I could. Until I couldn’t.
39 years old is a hella-fine time to figure out that being self reliant has left me vulnerable to solving the big issues. No amount of reading or talking on the phone or indulging in creative problem solving can handle the issues that need the hand of God.
I’m 39 years old and I’m like a toddler that refuses her parents hand in the parking lot. I don’t know how to grab hold of the hand that has been extended to me all this time. Because I’ve been self reliant. I’ve handled my business. I’ve forged my own path. I’ve solved my own problems.
TroubledWater“Trust in the Lord” What does that even mean when I’ve never really had to extend that trust? Pray that prayer? Feel that need?
I have worshipped at His feet while I’ve refused to take his hand.
It’s been a hella-fine time figuring that out this summer. A hella-fine time.
I’m on the hunt for who I’ve not yet become.
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. – Amen.